It wasn't until later, maybe even as late as now and probably a bit longer to get a real grasp on what happened. I would be lying if I were to say that I don't miss the way it used to be, that I don't want to ride my bike for 4 hours anymore, that I don't mind not running (full speed) on a single track trail or down the basketball court for that matter, but from where it was two months ago....I will not complain!

Let me try to put some comprehension to all this, both for myself and you:) Last week, on Thursday/ Friday, it was 8 weeks...that's it 8 weeks. I have to say it twice because of the need to remind myself! I feel so good right now that I would not only like to, but also feel it's possible to (on a slightly lower level) resume my old schedule. Although due to the obvious, some scared issues, and the fact that I am enjoying the heck out of "daddy and husband" time, it is is safe to say I will stay with the "Lazy Larry" version of my former self for a while longer.

I left off in the last post right about the point where there were these angels in my room with me, and they made me feel really comforted at a time when I really needed them most! Now I don't rightfully know who they were exactly, but I have my suspicions...Someday my wish will be to hover just over those nights and get a glimpse of who all was in that room with me (it's not like I haven't already asked to dream about it anyway). The suspicions all come from leading this other life that is not really surrounded with racing, competing, and triathlons so much. See, I've always known that there will come a day when I wasn't  fulfilled by triathlon, wasn't as fast anymore, or just didn't want to work as hard at it anymore. Never would it have been because I didn't love the sport, think it was a healthy alternative for being your average middle age dude, nor the time constraints involved with training (my wife and kids can attest to all the late night rides and runs). I never really gave much thought to an injury, especially one of the nature as mine being the stealer of life as I knew it....yeah I said it! There has been exactly 2 out of the 60 days that I have felt that way...the second being a few days ago.

I remember when I started doing this crazy/fun as hell sport some 20 years ago. There was a guy named Bobby Gonzales and he was so super fast! He was in his mid 30's when I began at age 20 something. I can remember saying to myself, "I wanna be that fast someday"! I would train endlessly and do countless extra laps or extra times up Aggie Mountain because I wanted to win races just like him when I was older. There were races when I would out split him on the bike, then there came a time when I would not only catch him, but also pass and put time into him before the run....only to get run down by this freak who could run a damn low 16 minute 5k off the bike! What I remember most is that when Bobby was around 42, he was practically unbeatable (around here anyway). He was the first semi local person (El Paso) to win a Tucson series race, everyone in the tri community knew his name, and at races he was the MAN to beat! My point is simple...here I am about to be 42 and as fast as I had ever been. The plan was in place and the puzzle only lacked a few pieces, which were in my reach. God had other plans for me. Plans for me to be a better Mike then I feel I was. See, for me anyway, there was something which went hand in hand with winning a few races and the ability to compete in some awesome locations. This thing I talk about?? ATTITUDE, you know the racers edge, the chip on your shoulder that whispers in your ear, "You're the man - Don't back down from anyone - You're here to win, give it your absolute all, or die trying...slowing down is not in the cards". I both hate to admit it yet I take ownership for the way I was (at times)...what am I talking about? Being in shape, being granted love for competition, and doing well in our sport gave me a self imposed and skewed vision of myself. I, at times, and mostly during competitions, would let this other dude out of the bag...Want confirmation, This past year at Trifest, "The Boss Man" and long time friend Seton Claggett  told the story of the time I went off course, he went and picked me up, tried to get me back in the race (xterra), only to have me say cuss words as I zig zagged my mtn. bike through the forest with a full head of steam. Lucky for me a few years ago I took a look in the mirror and I wasn't too comfortable (to say the least) so I made a little change. Mostly in the way I acted at races and I couldn't be happier that I did! See, when I was "all jacked up" in the hospital, a few weeks when I got home, and even now, I received my confirmation in the form of e-mails, phone calls and hospital visits! I can never even begin to explain how much it means to me to hear how people I race against look up to me or that a prominent coach tells his athletes to emulate my attitude. YES, I did it right, left a little footprint in the southwest tri community, and reaffirms that the last 20 years have gone to wonderful cause, THANK YOU!

When I got home, I tried my best to remain positive and hold on to the reflections made in the ICU. Three of the hardest things for me were: 1. Seeing my training diary on the table where I left it. 2. My pre-race play list on my i-pod. 3. Going into the garage and seeing all my bikes hanging there.....It didn't take too long for things to get better, ie, 1. My diary went from hour run, 3 hr bike ride, etc. to 20 min walk and an actual diary. 2.Really cool thing happened with my play list-I played it over the system at cardiac rehab and the older ladies (70-80) digged it! They were bobbing their heads, riding the stationary bikes, and walking on the treadmill with rhythm :) big time! As for number 3, well for the most part the bikes are still in the same place I left them two months ago, but they are spotless. The one bike I have gotten on is my old Rock hopper with the tag along attached. Levi and I will sneak out on the roads and ride for an hour. Trying to put a positive spin on hardships can take a person places they never thought possible... it's a good thing. I am getting a grasp on triathlon from every angle and I am here to say that I am excited to look at it through the eyes of a beginner again...Talk about full circle :)

Now for the warning signs...which I rationalized, but might help someone else out in a similar situation. After some flashbacks, research, and phone calls from unlikely places; I am able to draw some conclusions...for myself anyways. Back in 2009 I noticed there was just something not right during the swim portion at Deuces Wild, I had a panic attack in the water and thought I was going to have to drop out. It got better and I finished the swim and the tri, but I after that I went to the Dr. and he gave me an inhaler. Exercise induced asthma...that would explain why it was was getting harder to start my runs and why my feet would get numb during some runs, and why my swim was falling off the charts lately, and why my hand and feet were getting numb and cold when I was swimming.....right? As athletes there are always answers for issues like these....too little body fat to stay warm in the 79* water, just need another pair of shoes that are a bit softer, and it's normal for my left arm to get tingly while riding because being in the aero position could cut off some blood flow.....shake the arm out get back down and ride even harder right?? No, Dumb Ass! These were your warning signs, but please understand, every time I would feel a little off, my legs just didn't have it....there would be a really good race result and I would decide that would serve as my check up. No need to go back to my cardiologist when I just sprinted in 105* weather and was fine right?? Yeah, I have known about a heart condition since I was about three years old, it's known as aortic stenosis (murmur). My aorta is bi cuspid and there is really no stenosis of the actual artery, but it needs a name. I had always gone to see my cardiologist every 5 years to get checked out, but my good friend, heart doc, and fellow triathlete,  Dr. Richard Meltzer, passed away back in 2006 (may he rest in peace) just after my last visit....I bet he would have known all the signs! I think that the straw that broke the camel's back was crazy wk out I did. I thought my swimming needed a little revamping so I got a sledge hammer from the pawn shop and proceeded to beat the crap out of a humongous tractor tire.....for the next two nights as I slept, I remember my feet being really cold. Again, I should have known better. With all this what I believe happened is that I had a clog or plaque or something already there blocking flow and when I hit the tire for like a half hour in the mid day sun... well, it ripped all that stuff out. I felt it! It was like something (worm like) on the bottom of my heart expanded then contracted...then, well that part pretty much SUCKED!

Hopefully this post can help another athlete or anyone for that matter be more vigilant of the warning signs. I have always wanted to be a person that people look up to and respect. Never did I think I was going to turn into someone who thought they were better then anyone else, but that's just the nature of the beast sometimes in competition...thin line between cocky and confidence I guess. I know both sides of the pendulum now and I will say with all honestly that if it meant going through what I did to get to the place I am right now....well, I am okay with it and if you really want to know the truth, I am at peace with myself more now then ever before.   

Monique took this picture last year...talk about foreshadowing or someone trying to tell me something??  Either way it's how I feel now.....a great big shiny new way of looking at things that comes from deep inside my heart :)  

9-6-11 Be Like Mike......Part 1

The last month has been a mix of emotions to say the least! I am pleased to have this blog at least it lets me get some things off chest, keep my friends and family updated, and hopefully help someone else out by being alert to warning signs. I try to be honest in my posts or as I like to call it, keep it real. This one is no different my friends....

First off I need to start with (besides about a day or two) my feeling about this entire ordeal have remained thankful, hopeful, and joyful. I totally surround myself with positive people who I have called friends for quite some time, the people you just know would absolutely beyond a shadow of a doubt, drop anything for you. Not only do I enjoy these people, but I also emulate to be like them. It's a crazy thing when you are forced to lay still for a few days not knowing what the heck is going to happen to you next. I was able to take a nice long look at myself from every angle, examine who I needed in my life, what my actions have meant and how they have affected others (both negatively and positively), what I will change...if given the opportunity, and most of all what mattered most. I will hit on all this later;)  It's a pretty tough thing to do, ya know, really look at your life from the point of you not being around any more..well, I did it and wish everybody would as well (without the whole ICU thing that is) I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy...Which by the way, I have absolutely none....from my point of view, that is:)Remember my last post where I said I was sorry, I meant it, so for me; there is absolutely no one I hate or have not forgiven...True thing!  Try it, live a few days without any hatred, no anger, no self imposed illusions of what you want people to think of you. Just live, be thankful, helpful, and LOVE a little deeper then you have ever thought possible, cry some tears of happiness, and shoot me an e mail telling me all about it (I love those)!! This may sound strange, but I am actually thankful (in a sense) that this happened to me. Don't get me wrong, I would absolutely have loved without an ounce of a doubt to have raced at my hometown triathlon, been racing in Austin this weekend, and giving getting my name on the trailer at Elephant Man another shot, but I accept the fact...not this year, and maybe not again..remains to be determined?? So why the heck am I thankful you say? Well, for starters I am alive! Sure I would have love to have defended my course record in Austin this weekend, but instead I was able to drive my 87 year old Abuelita, my mom, wife, kids, and beautiful God Daughter to a very sacred place, (in my Hispanic culture) Santuario De Chimayo. This is place of pilgrimage, a place of healing, a place of tranquility, a place of surrender, a place to give thanks. My grandma and mom  have been wanting me to take them there for the last 5 years, but there was always something I just had to do....mostly another race, another chance for me to prove something to myself, another reason to give to myself, but not today or lately for that matter.  Yes, triathlon is quite the selfish sport when you look at it from this point of view. It's times like these that I question the last few years, but I also know that if it weren't for all the training and racing I definitely would not be making this post right now. Yes, triathlons saved my life. My heart was very strong going into this and hopefully it will be able to do all the same things I once asked it to do....if that's the path we choose:) The friends I have made along the way are invaluable, the memories are as fresh as if they happened yesterday, I literally dream triathlon....totally mixed emotions....I know!

This brings me to the next experience I wouldn't mind sharing. Rewind to July 23. Wanna know what it was like to "Be Like Mike" (a shirt I wear from time to time)...it was a lot better on July 3rd when we were sprinting for the victory in Tucson or riding my ass off trying to crush everyone in sight, or on July 11th when there was a 2 minute PR, with a swim malfunction, but it is July 23rd!!!! RRRR!!! I was just as strong on the bike as I have ever been!! I was actually feeling that my run was actually coming around!! I had actually even done speed work for the run!! I was on top of my world just yesterday!! How could I have gone from there to here?? What the F*** had just happened?? Don't ask the Dr's cuz they know about as much about this as I do, don't fall asleep cuz you might not wake up, what the hell is that damn pain in my chest still, this is two times to the cath lab what if it happens again where the heck are they gonna go in from?? Please don't open me up, I will lay here as still as heavenly possible, just please don't open me up and please stop with the trips to the cath lab...and PLEASE someone tell me what the F*** is happening here, and lastly why am I not all that pissed off? Why am I actually comforted amidst all this uncertainty and (this is the trippy part), who the heck are all these people in my room? I could always look over my left shoulder and knew Mar would be in the recliner chair, ready to bring me anything I would ask for, many times I asked just for my sanity. My sanity? Sure, I mean I could make out my bros, my family, and most of the friends that came in to visit and it gave me reassurance to be able to hold hands, shake hands, and hug them, but there the whole time (especially in the beginning) there were people I could feel. People that would tell it's time to pray, people who would lead me to a calm, peaceful, more restful place. A place where where I felt nothing short of comfort, warmth, and love. A place where there was no why the F*** did this happen to me or Dammit I want to get back and race again. This place was all about a humble, meek, vulnerable, yet comforted feeling. I knew that between the pain in my groin, uncomfortable feeling in my chest, uncertainties abound, the pain killers, the fact that I was scared shitless and was having trouble distinguishing between reality and this euphoric state, these people offered me respite.....and I took them up on it...