9-6-11 Be Like Mike......Part 1

The last month has been a mix of emotions to say the least! I am pleased to have this blog at least it lets me get some things off chest, keep my friends and family updated, and hopefully help someone else out by being alert to warning signs. I try to be honest in my posts or as I like to call it, keep it real. This one is no different my friends....

First off I need to start with (besides about a day or two) my feeling about this entire ordeal have remained thankful, hopeful, and joyful. I totally surround myself with positive people who I have called friends for quite some time, the people you just know would absolutely beyond a shadow of a doubt, drop anything for you. Not only do I enjoy these people, but I also emulate to be like them. It's a crazy thing when you are forced to lay still for a few days not knowing what the heck is going to happen to you next. I was able to take a nice long look at myself from every angle, examine who I needed in my life, what my actions have meant and how they have affected others (both negatively and positively), what I will change...if given the opportunity, and most of all what mattered most. I will hit on all this later;)  It's a pretty tough thing to do, ya know, really look at your life from the point of you not being around any more..well, I did it and wish everybody would as well (without the whole ICU thing that is) I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy...Which by the way, I have absolutely none....from my point of view, that is:)Remember my last post where I said I was sorry, I meant it, so for me; there is absolutely no one I hate or have not forgiven...True thing!  Try it, live a few days without any hatred, no anger, no self imposed illusions of what you want people to think of you. Just live, be thankful, helpful, and LOVE a little deeper then you have ever thought possible, cry some tears of happiness, and shoot me an e mail telling me all about it (I love those)!! This may sound strange, but I am actually thankful (in a sense) that this happened to me. Don't get me wrong, I would absolutely have loved without an ounce of a doubt to have raced at my hometown triathlon, been racing in Austin this weekend, and giving getting my name on the trailer at Elephant Man another shot, but I accept the fact...not this year, and maybe not again..remains to be determined?? So why the heck am I thankful you say? Well, for starters I am alive! Sure I would have love to have defended my course record in Austin this weekend, but instead I was able to drive my 87 year old Abuelita, my mom, wife, kids, and beautiful God Daughter to a very sacred place, (in my Hispanic culture) Santuario De Chimayo. This is place of pilgrimage, a place of healing, a place of tranquility, a place of surrender, a place to give thanks. My grandma and mom  have been wanting me to take them there for the last 5 years, but there was always something I just had to do....mostly another race, another chance for me to prove something to myself, another reason to give to myself, but not today or lately for that matter.  Yes, triathlon is quite the selfish sport when you look at it from this point of view. It's times like these that I question the last few years, but I also know that if it weren't for all the training and racing I definitely would not be making this post right now. Yes, triathlons saved my life. My heart was very strong going into this and hopefully it will be able to do all the same things I once asked it to do....if that's the path we choose:) The friends I have made along the way are invaluable, the memories are as fresh as if they happened yesterday, I literally dream triathlon....totally mixed emotions....I know!

This brings me to the next experience I wouldn't mind sharing. Rewind to July 23. Wanna know what it was like to "Be Like Mike" (a shirt I wear from time to time)...it was a lot better on July 3rd when we were sprinting for the victory in Tucson or riding my ass off trying to crush everyone in sight, or on July 11th when there was a 2 minute PR, with a swim malfunction, but it is July 23rd!!!! RRRR!!! I was just as strong on the bike as I have ever been!! I was actually feeling that my run was actually coming around!! I had actually even done speed work for the run!! I was on top of my world just yesterday!! How could I have gone from there to here?? What the F*** had just happened?? Don't ask the Dr's cuz they know about as much about this as I do, don't fall asleep cuz you might not wake up, what the hell is that damn pain in my chest still, this is two times to the cath lab what if it happens again where the heck are they gonna go in from?? Please don't open me up, I will lay here as still as heavenly possible, just please don't open me up and please stop with the trips to the cath lab...and PLEASE someone tell me what the F*** is happening here, and lastly why am I not all that pissed off? Why am I actually comforted amidst all this uncertainty and (this is the trippy part), who the heck are all these people in my room? I could always look over my left shoulder and knew Mar would be in the recliner chair, ready to bring me anything I would ask for, many times I asked just for my sanity. My sanity? Sure, I mean I could make out my bros, my family, and most of the friends that came in to visit and it gave me reassurance to be able to hold hands, shake hands, and hug them, but there the whole time (especially in the beginning) there were people I could feel. People that would tell it's time to pray, people who would lead me to a calm, peaceful, more restful place. A place where where I felt nothing short of comfort, warmth, and love. A place where there was no why the F*** did this happen to me or Dammit I want to get back and race again. This place was all about a humble, meek, vulnerable, yet comforted feeling. I knew that between the pain in my groin, uncomfortable feeling in my chest, uncertainties abound, the pain killers, the fact that I was scared shitless and was having trouble distinguishing between reality and this euphoric state, these people offered me respite.....and I took them up on it...